Here’s What We Learned So Far

The practical fostering info you came here for in the first place. And some advice from a novice parent that I’ll probably feel embarrassed about giving out when I have learned as much as you all probably already know:

1. a calendar wasn’t too advanced for a 24-month old. It was helpful and alleviated stress for him.  He didn’t take 64 things to bed and need to take them out of bed with him when he knew what people were going to be part of his day.  We used just a paper with 7 boxes and printed pictures to represent his normal activities and then taped them to the day in the order that they were going to happen.  "Here's tomorrow, Wednesday, and you'll go to school and then see Ms. B and then see Mommy and Daddy. And after that, Mama is going to come get you and we will come back here."
2. clothing reimbursements (how our county does clothing) are very slow and they are VERY picky about receipts being for exactly things that are obviously only for the child in care. I don’t think I’ll shop at Ross for anything I expect to be reimbursed for. It’s been three five months and we haven’t been reimbursed for anything so maybe I will revise this and let you know if ANY stores provide good enough descriptions on receipts to pass muster. [final update – we finally got reimbursed after six months!]
3. find a daycare with a vendor agreement with the county -- before you get a placement! We had a daycare we liked before getting a placement and then after a week of trying to get H enrolled we find out we have to find a place with an agreement because this place didn’t have one and didn’t want to jump through the hoops to get one.  Our county doesn’t keep, or give out, a list of daycares with agreements. We just had to call everyone in the phone book, and it took two weeks when all was said and done.
4. for all the encouragement in training to "bridge the gap" (build relationships with bio families) – that probably isn't a high priority for the social workers who you really need to make that introduction.  For the next placements we'll try Foster the Family's advice and send notes to the family in their diaper bag/backpack.  She uses a new notebook for each kid, writes a note explaining who they are and why they're loving their kids.  The moms sometimes write back in the notebook and it helps form a relationship before they have the chance to meet.
5. have amazing angel-coworkers that support you through all the days you’ll miss and mistakes you’ll make because you just got launched into a new life and your brain is no longer working.
6. pre-shop for things you’re not going to buy before you get a kid. I spent so many hours looking for a rocking chair and cars seats when I could have just had them in/on my cart/wish list, ready to buy.
7. don’t buy toddler shoes with laces, you dope. You will spend the rest of your life tying shoes.
8. try to prevent lots of injuries in the first week before they have a visit with their family because that’s a bad first impression -- “here’s your kid I’ve been taking good care of them but they DO fall down on the sidewalk constantly. They’re totally fine though.”  I realize I'm fairly relaxed about climbing and dirt and stuff but not all parents feel that way -- including, maybe, my kid's bio parents.
9. learn when your kid’s naptime is and when the daycare's naptime is before you approve a visit schedule.
10. push to have a regular visit schedule. You have a say in things.
11. be bossy if schedules are starting to make your kid (not you) sick and tired. You are now the parent and you have to be the one to put your foot down and say, “sorry we can’t have visits that go that late because that’s bedtime.” For that and everything else -- you are their advocate. The social worker might be really great, and birth parents really love their child - but you are the one with them in your home and are responsible for fighting for their needs.
12. before any of this read “How We Love Our Kids” and also “the Connected Child.”
13. realize that everything that isn’t a toy in your house will now seem like the best toys and plan accordingly.
14. if you’re in a relationship, pre-decide to get a babysitter and have dates (we didn’t do this at all and it was stupid and so we’re making better decisions for next time).  If you're not in a relationship, you probably need a babysitter even more so you can recharge.
15. give your spouse breaks. Like literally, “We’re going to the park. You take a nap.”
16. don’t ignore the major life change that just happened to your kid. Talk about it. Don’t be afraid that saying “mom” will make your kid cry. They probably already want to cry – so give them space for it and acknowledge that they basically were just abducted from their life.  Give them language for how they might feel and don't hide from the scary/sad/bad feelings.
    - we did a lot of role playing with different toys have feelings, like "Oh no! Elmo, are you angry? Yes? Are you angry because you wanted chips instead of turkey? No? Are you angry because Mom said it was time to clean up toys? Yes?" etc. We also had a little board book with pictures of kids who were "Happy" and "Jealous" and we used that as an aid to guess about feelings and their roots. H LOVED when we guessed about his feelings and when we guessed right he'd give a whole-body "hu-rumph" agreement.  He'd usually calm down just to see what feelings we were going to guess; not all the time, but if we caught the bad mood early enough.
17. figure out how to de-stress your pet if you have a grumpy pet who is not going to be happy about this new guest.
18. have grace for things that help your kid deal with this trauma. H felt more in control, and like he could leave, if he wore his shoes around the house. He was still very attached to a blankie (and pacifier, sigh) so when it was time to leave the house, asking him to put them in his backpack was best because he knew where they were and got to have the power over his important things. Or if we were not taking those with us, having H put them in his bed so he knew where they were and that he could reach them later alleviated some tantrums.
19. explain rules before you start enforcing them. Your kid’s house might not have had rules about hitting or spitting or saying “please” – they have to learn these crazy rules you made before you hold them accountable.
20. hide veggies – using Jessica Seinfeld’s methods or these “French fries” are good too – but you'll probably have to use some form of trickery. The theory that they’ll choose the veggies if offered enough times absolutely did not pan out for us with H.